On an investor call this morning[1], HBO divulged the greenlighting of an unprecedented thirteen-season streaming adaptation of Infinite Jest.
News that David Foster Wallace’s[2] unprecedented 1996 1076-page[3] cult hit will be insinuating itself onto the small screen has electrified online stans and haters alike. #HowlingFantods is trending on Twitter; counterfeit IJ NFTs are being minted faster than exchanges can delist them; and a viral TikTok meme has users like physically destroying their copies of the book[4], accompanied by the text “won’t need this anymore!”
In-the-know literati opine that even with an unprecedented 169 episodes to play with, HBO’s screenwriters will be forced to cut all but like a minority of the extremely seminal tome’s myriad characters, plotlines, digressions, and lists.
Length aside, problematic aspects of DFW’s shoot-‘em-all-and-let-God-sort-‘em-out prose have long presented an unprecedented tar-baby of a bugbear to would-be adapters[5]. Infinite Jest dons its raunchy galoshes to raucously tromp through the raw, steaming sewage of abuse, addiction, mental illness, suicide, ableism, transphobia, dead babies, Shakespeare nods, hyperlexicalism, anti-Canadianism, absurdity, and footnotes[6].
HBO’s shelling out of an unprecedented $280 million for the simultaneous production of all thirteen seasons might seem like financial suicide[7]. But a source close to the production confirms that much of the production’s exorbitant funding is being fronted by the recently unfrozen estate of unlikely DFW superfan, deceased Koch brother David Koch[8]. Due to contractual constraints, the show will officially be titled David Koch’s Infinite Jest.
In an unprecedented slight, a previous draft of this very article was rejected[9] for like “unprofessional language” and “non-newsworthy personal opinions.” Apparently, this author’s many literary triumphs[10] are insufficient to confer onto him the “authority” necessary to determine what like true, correct information to include in his own writing.
Dr. Patricia Metstone[11] laughed in this author’s face when he proposed an Infinite Jest TV series years ago, and refused to accept the work for his freshman film project. His attempts to “buck authority” and “follow his artistic spark” were met not with glowing press releases, but an unprecedented, summary expulsion[12].
The real reason for the system’s like repeated attempts to silence and control me is, of course, the unprecedented threat I pose: that of exposing the rampant, unprecedented corruption coursing from Syracuse University, across I-90 to the white-wigs on State Street Hill in Albany, down I-87 to HBO headquarters at 120 E 23rd St, all the way to 620 Eighth Avenue’s A. G. Sulzberger Times Building: the Pipeline of the New York Cathedral[13].
Warner Bros. Discovery Inc. is up 1.3% on the day to $16.22 a share.
[1] for parent company Warner Bros. Discovery Inc.
[2] known to fans as “DFW”
[3] including footnotes
[4] via being lit on fire, submerged in acid, fed into a woodchipper, eaten page by page, riddled with BBs, frozen in a bath of liquid nitrogen and shattered like a glass rose, etc.
[5] including the author of this piece, whilst enrolled in the prestigious Syracuse University film program
[6] often unnecessary and sardonic in tone
[7] or at least a financial cry for help
[8] whose death by polonium exposure was shown by Interpol investigation to be completely without cause, despite baseless attempts to claim credit by the Québécois Interventionist Movement (QUIM)
[9] by chief entertainment editor Christina Greenberg, Syracuse University alumna and granddaughter of New York City crime boss Lucky Luciano
[10] including multiple completed NaNoWriMos, submissions to dozens of literary magazines, and completed applications to each of the one hundred MFA programs listed on collegerankings.com
[11] professor of film studies at Syracuse University and wife of incredibly rude and hideously ugly state senator Matthew Metstone
[12] following an unrelated incident involving the alleged use of liquid nitrogen to freeze and shatter twenty-six personal possessions in Patricia’s home and office, for which the author of this piece was never proven culpable
[13] aka the self-organizing university/media/civil service consensus of Hyper-Wokist Far-Left Progressives and their feminist communist CRT ideology, acting in hivemind synchronization to exile, excommunicate, and exterminate everyone and everything that could possibly pose a threat to their power, including the author of this piece